i love him. i will always and forever love him. he no longer feels anything. it hurts. it hurts more than anything that i have ever felt before. mommy dearest cant take me into her arms and dry my tears and make me happy anymore like she used to when i was a little girl. the pain seems to fade at times, but its still there. i am surrounded with people that constantly tell me that i will be over him soon enough, but i know that deep down he will always come first no matter the situation. the emotional pain of losing his love hurts, but not as much as it hurts to know that he doesnt care. i have never lied to or about this kid to anyone yet somehow he got the story that i did. he told me that he wanted everything of me and like the dumbass i am, i gave him all that i was worth, the problem is that he still has it no matter what. he asked for my heart and my trust, the two things that i am most protective of, and i gave it to him. now i wonder if he wanted it at all, now i think that maybe the physical part was what he wanted most. sometimes i think to myself that maybe losing him is for the best, but i know that its not. sitting in his brother's living room today, i was looking through his pics on his phone. of course he was in many of them. i joked at first, saying that i hated him and such, but i know its not true. i love his brother to death but sometimes being around him is so hard for me because it reminds me of him. this may sound stupid, but when he is talked about amongst my friends, i call him something other than his name because i cant bring myself to say it sometimes. i feel really bad though cuz most of the time, or should i say all of the time, the things i call him arent that great. sometimes i wonder about carolyn, and if i didnt try to get them together, and if i didnt get with ben, sometimes i wonder if we would still be together. i hate myself for getting him and carolyn together and i hate myself for missing all of the chances that i could have taken when we spent so much time together. no offense to carolyn though cuz i love that girl. but at the moment i just wanted to see him happy and everytime i saw him smile, it reminded me about how he said that his smiles were all fake and not one of them was ever true. then when i saw him with her, i actually came to envy her and the..one.."thing" (for lack of a better term) that made him want her more than me. i realize that there is no chance in the world that i will ever be with him again, i already lost all of his trust in a way that i have no idea..but (and this is going to sound corny but its true so dont laugh) every time that 11:11 comes around, or i find and eyelash and blow it off my finger, or i see a shooting star..i wish for one more chance to be his friend. to have what we used to have. its really sad that our friendship broke apart over hearsay..the fact that he believed a few select people over me..but i guess that (not to be spiritual)..i guess that if its in God's plan for us not to ever meet again than thats something that ill just have to except. but i guess in the long run its up to him. i may only be 14 going on 15, but if this is what love feels like then someone shoot me already.